Fall

This time of the year is usually very nice when the Summer heat lets up and the leaves start to turn. We begin to see crops being harvested. The mornings are crisp and clear, or it is foggy from the temperature changes. I love this time of year, not sure why. Maybe it is the smell of the leaves burning. Maybe it is because now we can make homemade goodies again without fear of the house becoming unbearably hot. Time to savor the taste of Hot Chocolate again. Maybe it is the knowing that soon the weather will turn and it will get cold and snow again. We have had snow in October before, but it is nothing to hope for! Out west they just got buried under several feet of snow that came fast and hard. I am sure it has melted by now, it was supposed to warm up again. I believe it was out in Colorado. People were stranded in their cars, some without electricity and many died. We just don't expect anything to be that sudden. Weather forecasters are pretty good at getting the news out, if people will listen.  More later. Need a nap now. ;)

Holiday Time Is Here Again!

Wow! How the time does fly. I can barely believe it is almost Christmas again! Hunter is One year old today! He is growing up so fast! This Grandma is so proud and yet can barely keep up with the little Tyke! It is sure a good thing that I have lost the weight I have, or keeping up would not even be an option. He has had a rough time of it lately. He seems to get whatever is going around. It sure brings back memories of sitting in the Doctor's office way more than I ever wanted to. He has had the throw ups. Then then the Diarhea. He is finally getting over it now....we hope. Most of the stuff is from swallowing all the flem. It is clear, but runs like a faucet. I feel so bad for him. He has been so legarthic. He has given this Grandma so much cuddle time. I like that, but would rather see him going going going like the Energizer Bunny! This just isn't his speed. He wants us to fix whats wrong, you can see it in his eyes. Oh how I wish for a magic carpet so that I could make him all better. What a joy he is. Those eyes are so beautiful and you nearly fall into them. He has the very long eyelashes like his mommy had when she was little too. I regret that I have so few pictures of her. She does not seem to mind it and understands why I never took many pictures. With two little ones, taking pictures was the last thing I had to think about. I was so busy all the time taking care of them. I had Jodee to help. Larry helped too. I never would have made it without them. Jodee had to grow up really young. I regret that too, though she does not seem to. I did not mean to wander here. I just wanted to write a bit about little guy's Birthday. I have enough pictures of him and his cousin Tyler to wallpaper our entire house. Buying that digital camera was the best thing Larry and I have ever invested in. We will not lack for pictures of our grandchildren. I am feeling kinda achey and tired today. There are several things I could be doing today, but my heart tells me that I should stay home and just take care of me. I hope I am not getting sick. I think it is just exhaustion from taking care of the boys so much. I had Tyler from Friday after Thanksgiving till Sunday. Then went to take care of Hunter. I forget which day I started. They have all run together. We will go celebrate with Hunter and all on Sunday. Hope that he feels good enough to enjoy the day. His mommy said she gave him some cake today just to "practice" for Sunday so he would not freak out. He really loved the cake. Hope he does not throw it up! I can not explain how much Joy I get from spending time with those two grandsons. Whomever called them Grand knew what they were talking about. That phrase about "If I knew how much fun Grandchildren were, I would have had them first", really hit the nail on the head! Hope your Holidays are as Joyful as I know mine will be. We know that Jesse and Todd will be here on the 23rd and 24th. We do now know for sure about Jodee's Family or Lacey's for sure. I think Jodee said they would be going to Jamie's folks. I do not know if they will come here on the way home or not. Maybe we can manage to meet them somewhere for a while if not. Will have to catch up on that. We could also go out there before the actual day. Will be sure to talk that over with Larry sometime soon. Think I will go relax and watch TV for a while. I am sooooo tired! Hugs to you all, and enjoy. Don't take on so much that you lose the Joy! Katie

Grandson Time

I have just spent the most glorious week of my entire Life. Other than the weeks I gave birth to my own three children. Grandchildren are such a joy to behold. Every day is one more thing to love them with and for! Tyler and Jodee came here Monday for the week! I never expected such fun or more fun! Never have I seen a week go by faster either! We just spent some wonderful together time with Tyler and Jodee. They surprised me Monday by showing up almost unannounced. I called her about 10 to see what the plan for coming up for the week was, what days, etc. She laughed and said, "well, we are in Carroll now, so won't be too long!" I was flabbergasted! I was out weeding in my Flower Garden, so had to hurry up inside and do the housework I had neglected most of the weekend because we were busy doing other things. I managed to get a lot done before they got here...and let the other things go and let them see my dirt. Guess no one panicked or died! We went Tuesday to see Lacey and Scott. Then Wednesday I let the girls have a day together with their sons. Then Thursday we went for Lunch with my Dad and my brother George. That was a lot of fun too. I will write more about this at another time if the mood strikes me. For now, I will go eat my nice leftover chicken and savor that for a while. Larry said we will go somewhere to eat tonight, so I won't have to plan anything there! Life is Grand! Hugs all, Hugs ME!!!! Katie So much has changed since this post was written.  I will update  on that in my next post. For now, Goodnight.

Another Fun Story

I went to help my daughter Jodee with my Grandson Tyler this past week. Wow, talk about using up extra energy! Wow, what a wonderful time! He came down with the Chickenpox just as Jodee was studying and taking her first year Law School Finals. She had one week done and was starting the second when he got sick. He never got really sick with them, thank goodness. By the time I was able to arrange to drive out to their home, he was feeling a bit better. He was a small Angel, let me tell you. He is the most Beautiful Boy anyway. (yes, this is a Grandma's perogative, to brag but it happens to be true as well) We got along wonderfully well, he bonded with me and accepted my care without question. He truly was good about being sick. By the time I had gotten there, he had taken enough medicine so as not to be contagious anymore. There came a glitch in the system when his parents wanted me to stay out there Friday night so that they could celebrate the ending of classes by going to a Campus Party. I had already planned on taking care of the other Grandson Hunter on Saturday. This problem was solved when I brought Tyler home with me and was here for a while, then went up to Lacey and Hunter's home and stayed overnight with both boys. Then Saturday my Husband came up to help me deal with both a baby and a sick little toddler. All went well, we survived as did both boys and all parents. The only thing I did not get to do was to go to Garage Sales and Hubby did not get to go Fishing that day. There will be many other days to go do those things.

What Family Means to Me!

Family is very important to me. More so than words can express I fear. From the time when I was first able to think for myself and talk about others, I knew that my Family was the most important part of me. Long before I even knew very much about myself. I knew that the glue that held our Family together was strong. We came from Sturdy stock, my grandparents always used to say. They were right too. I have been doing some research into that Family background. Soon I will know who I am. I am ME. That is something I never realized was important until recently. Recently in that I never took the time to really explore my History before. I still have a lot of Research to do. I am looking forward to doing it, for maybe along the line, I will find my true self. I now know how important that is, and that I have to tell My Family's story. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly American....no, wait, that story has been written already. (Insert Laugh here) Actually, I think we are all pretty decent looking folks. This story continues another time, I have to get ready to go see my Hunter and his Mommy Lacey. I wonder why my parents never talked about their Ancestors? Maybe the busyness of normal day to day living just got into their way. I remember my Grandfather on my Dad's side was such a good story teller. He could make us "go" where he was talking about. He could stretch a story out so long and so interesting that you wanted him to continue and never stop talking. We never got bored. The stories were never dirty, just plain good stories. He knew just how much detail to add in to make it more visual without becoming boring on the way. That takes a real talent. I never knew if he was making it up or telling the truth, he was that good. Believable, that's the word for it. I wish I could remember some of those stories now. I tried to get my Dad to have Grandpa tell some of them into a tape recorder, but he never really felt comfortable doing that. Most people don't. For a time, Grandpa and Grandma would send letters on tape to my folks, and they would send letters back the same way. I think Dad still has some of those tapes now. I wonder if he ever plays them. How wonderful it would be to hear my Grandfather's and Grandmother's voices now. I hope those tapes have not disintegrated over time, as they are wont to do. I will have to ask Dad when I see him again if he still has them. Or if he himself remembers any of those long ago told stories. I am sure he heard them more than a time or two over the years. Family togetherness has always seemed important to me. Maybe this is because I never got to see our Family who lived in Missouri very often. Maybe 2 times a year, if that. My Dad still only sees his Brother and their Family very rarely. The miles are just too many in between them. Now both Brothers are getting older and that travel time takes up and is not comfortable for either of them. Soon they too will be gone. I dread that day. I want to go see my Aunt and Uncle and Cousins again. I would like to make the trip this summer, but so far, it isn't happening. I do not feel up to the drive alone. I wanted my Brothers to go with, or someone to help with the driving and the listening to Dad converse about the same things over and over again. I do not know if he is getting forgetful or just likes hearing those same things more than once. I don't mind it when he visits here or I go up to his place. The thought of hearing it in the car for over 7 hours is just too much to fathom. I am no longer up to that sort of thing anymore myself. I need to get up north to see my Nephews and nieces again also. I have not even seen my Nephew's latest daughter born in late January or early February. See? I cannot even remember the date she came for sure. That makes 3 girls for him and his wife. Just like us. I think they will keep trying until they have a boy though. I knew that 3 was all I could handle. Sometimes I could barely handle that many! I love them all endlessly and would never imagine Life without them. However, I know I could not have given enough to another one. I was given out by the time I had Lacey, our youngest. I feel I never had enough to give her as it was. She does not seem to have any hard feelings about that. I am very thankful for that. I just wore out as she got older. I needed more time for my own needs, and that never seemed to happen enough. I see her as a Mother now, and am flabbergasted that my Baby is a Mommy now. Even though I see her and her family often, that feeling never goes away. I spent some time recently with all 3 of my Daughters. I didn't see Jetty very long, just long enough to have Breakfast with her. Then I was with the older Daughter and her Son and my Son-In-Law Jamie for many days and will always treasure that time. It helps me not miss them quite so much. She is done with Law School for the Summer, so maybe we will be able to see them more often now. She is looking for a job, but so far has none. I will call her tomorrow to see how her job searching is going. I also hope to see the younger Daughter and Hunter sometime this week. I usually get to see them at least once a week, or 2 or 3 times each week. They will be moving soon, and I will be taking care of Hunter during that time. He is growing up so fast, it makes my head swim. He is already 5 months old, and I owe him a few catch up stories about my feelings for him during these past few months. Ok, time for this story to end for now. Have a good one and catch up with you again soon. Hugs all, later! Katie

Applause!

Take a bow! Curtsey! Applause! Humor and Fun! Games to be Won! Clouds in the Sky! Sunshine! Singing! Joy! Emotions galore! Yes, all of these things come to my Mind when I begin to write another Chapter in this Love Story to Me. Me! This Child of God and Mankind! This Spirit Gentle, Mild, Glowing and Beautiful! YES! ME! BEAUTIFUL!!!! A Gift, a wonderful child awaited so very long. Blond, Curly Ringlets, Shirley Temple Style. How long did I have to sit to get that Hairdo? Was I patient, did I let Mom dote over me? Or did I never have time? Would I have been a Tomboy? WAS I Tom Sawyer up in that Tree???? Did I Conquer and Rule my little World? Yes, I feel I did! This is a surprise coming out from my Mind. Why? Because somewhere later on, somewhere in a time when I felt Lost and Abandoned, I lost these feelings, as most Children do I suppose as they  have a guide into the "Real" World. As we moved from Missouri to Iowa. As I grew older. As the Real World Turned. I moved from my make believe world, my "Kingdom". I was no longer the Extreme Ruler, the owner of all lands before me and beyond. Gone were the magic critters I loved. Those "loch Ness" type creatures who dwelled at the bottom of that Pond so vast and deep. The gnomes or Magic Fairies did not move with us...for there may not have been room in our cars or truck. I was "coming of age" then. I was the girl in "Labyrinth", that girl who was no longer a child and yet, still not a woman. I should have tried to express my feelings on paper. I am not sure why I did not. Too much "Reality" I suppose. That and the fact that I wanted the move. I saw it as an extreme adventure. I saw it as choosing my future instead of being taken somewhere I did not want to go. So many things were changing. I would attend a new school in the Fall no matter whether we moved or not. My world would either shrink or grow no matter what choice my parents made. The reality of it was not there yet...so I was just going with the flow. My magic Tree was gone. No private places on the new place we rented. Oh, there was the Barn and a Machine Shed, but we were not allowed to go into those. There was no magic tree at the new place. Box elder bugs ruled the few trees that were in our yard. I spent as much time in my room as I could, but there was still no magic tree to call my very own. No make believe world. I tried to stay in it, but the changes were just too many and came too quickly. We at last all 3 had our own separate rooms. This seemed like a Magic all of it's own. I had my own closet....deep and dark. The wallpaper was old, but I did not mind that, I knew I could cover that up with pictures from Magazines of my favorite Heart Throbs of the day. I knew that I wanted to grow up. I wanted to become a woman. I wanted to have my own way sometimes. I was alone after school. That would have become a wonderful time to Dream again had I not had to take on the Responsibility of fixing Supper for the Crew. My parents were going to both be away for that bewitching hour after school, that spooky time when Goblins hid behind every door. No longer were those critters my Happy Friends, now they were evil and haunting. I was then forced into a Reality from which I could never return again to that innocent Dreamy world of childhood. Would I only have had someone to tell me things would be ok....yes my mother told me that....so did my Grandmother. THEY were not the ones who had to face the Monster Teachers who liked to pick on the new child/girl who had a powerful Missouri Drawl. She must be stupid to talk like that. No one ever said this to me, but I felt it. I felt unwelcome. I felt out of place. I felt the regular pain of growing up, doubled by the trauma of the move. Whether a good move or not, it was a horrible experience to me. My brothers seemed to fit right in. They made friends quickly and off they went. Jim had his cars to work on. I always wanted to learn but did not ask. Girls don't do that sort of thing. Well at least that was what I thought, thus I never asked to learn, just stood by and watched in awe as Jim worked on his prize vehicle. I would ask him many questions one after the other. About what he was doing and why. I do not remember what kind of car he started out with, but I would guess it was some sort of a dodge or plymouth. I just remember when he managed to buy the Super Bee a bit later on after we lived in Fenton a while. It was an awesome sound when he drove that big engine car into our yard. My Dad bought a new car, to, right from the Showroom. This was unprecedented to us....a downright Miracle.... Things were looking up. We not only had a newish truck, but now a brand new Dodge Charger.....this happened a bit after we moved, in 1969. Mom was teaching. Dad had a good paying job at the Implement north of where we lived. The drive was a bit further, but the pay and the folks he worked with were very nice to him and to us. When Dad came driving that car on to our rented acreage, I actually got goose bumps! Mom seemed to love her work. She would stay after school and chat with the other Teachers about how the day had gone, having a cigarette or two and a soda pop. (I never approved of smoking then or ever, I knew it was a disgusting, nasty habit, even at a young age.) I got to have a pop sometimes when I would decide to wait to ride home with her instead of riding the Bus route home. The bus route would get me home much later than going with mom did. Now looking back, I can see that I should have gone home and instead of eating snacks and such, spent that first hour or so home without anything to do writing or even reading. By the time I got home though, I was always exhausted and only wanted to "veg" out for a while. My friendly snacks were always there. No thinking, no writing, no anything except unwinding. I would look for snacks when I got home on the Bus too, but the house would be dark and cold then. And Mom was there starting supper, so I was put to work sooner. The demands began to get more and more as we had homework piled on us. I found that my academics were way behind those of my classmates. My workload doubled if not more. Of course I could have gotten a lot of it done in Study hall if I had not spent the time in there chatting with girlfriends or looking at the cute boys....like most of the girls did. Growing up meant going out, getting married, and for some possibly going on to College to "find a man". I have never felt that urge to be better than or get better grades than others. I was too used to failure I think. I wonder if any of my friends truly went to College just to get a good Education. Would that I had asked them. Would that my horizon be expanded beyond the humdrum of daily school work. I found a haven at school however. The Library. The Librarian was a wonderful woman and I was saddened when she died not too long after we moved there. It made me morose for a while. When school was over for the day, I hated coming home into that house all alone. I would usually be responsible for cooking supper too. No time for what I wanted to do....I was a Dreamer who was not allowed to Dream. It was not practical, did not get you anywhere. I often wonder how things might have been different had I found that one Mentor. That one grown up who could nurture my talents without judgment. I do see now as I update this writing that I had options that I did not take. I took the easy way, not the challenging one. I gave up on myself and my abilities. Daily Life took up most of the time I could have spent following my desires and dreams. (sounds like an excuse to me now) Dreams were only that, something that wasted time. Nothing practical in our "Reality". Sometimes I was afraid to Dream. I was also so tired, stressed, and lonely. Sometimes I wonder if my Mother had her Dreams squashed when she was at about that same age. Now looking back, I saw a look in her eyes in her picture taken with her Dad on or around her 13 to 15th Birthday. She had this scowl on her face, like she wanted to be anywhere else but there. I later found out that Mom did not want to celebrate her Birthday by going on a Picnic. She was pouting! My Mother was a Beauty. She had alabaster skin, bright and clear. She was a handsome woman...I would not call her Pretty in the sexual sense, but she was a strong, good looking woman who looked like she had the world at her fingertips. Had she been like me? Had she Dreamed only to lose it as reality grounded her? She didn't totally give up on that Dream though. She returned to school to get her College Degree. True, it was some time later when things they had tried did not have the results that my parents and grandparents wished at the time they took the chance to Dream. The Farm my Dad had Dreamed about his whole Life and which he took a chance to buy was materialized. However, it never produced a decent crop. The calves died. The milk turned bad. Dad had to get another job to help pay the bills. So much for his Dreams. Still when the times got tough, my parents would just get tougher and knuckle down and keep going. They had that old Midwest Pride and sticktoitiveness. They never did give up. Not on each other, nor on having and meeting Dreams. My Mom got a part time job to help pay the bills when we were still quite small. (she ended up with a severe alergic reaction to the strong soap that was used to wash the dishes, and her hands became a real mess for some time while they healed) Then my parents bought a Grocery Store and managed it for a few years till they had to collect overdue Bills from some folks who just could not get things totally together. One step ahead of the Bill Collectors was how most people lived in that part of the state at that time. Mom and Dad were so sympathetic to their customers that they almost lost the business through mis-management) Mom completed her 4 year degree and moved on to find a Teaching Job. The move to Iowa was a big step up with Mom being able to move back close to her parents again (she had missed seeing them so much whild in Missour to begin her Teaching career. I wonder now how much of her Dreams she gave up. I found some writings she did. I think possibly she began writing when we lived in Missouri as her escape. She took several writing classes while going to College too. Her writings were found in a file by my Dad some time later. There are no dates on the writings, so that is all guessing on my part. I always thought my Mother would have loved to have been an Actress. She even did parts in some Community Playhouses after we moved back to Iowa. I know Mom always made lots of jokes and used humor to get through tough times. As all those in my family tend to do. My Dad can cut a joke right along with the best of them. My Grandpa on my Dad's side was a consummate story teller. He would tell things so vivid you were there. I wish we had gotten more of his stories down on paper or recorded before he passed away. My grandma on my Dad's side was the best cook and gardener I have ever known. She could get just about anything she wanted to grow even in that dirt poor Missouri soil. She worked as hard as any person to do so. They were such good grandparents to go to visit. My Grandpa and Grandma on my Mom's side had their own small Grocery store in a tiny little Iowa town. My Grandpa was a very quiet man. Grandma was a strong working woman. They were so quiet. My Mom's folks were harder for me to get to know. They were more to themselves. I think it was because they didn't get to know us really until we were at that awful awkward pre-teenage stage. Grandma would always cook these fancy meals for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I loved that. She would get out the fancy "good" dishes then. We felt like Royalty whenever we would get to go there for those meals. We also got to spend lots of time around the store and the apartments they mangaged, and their house. That house was glorious to me. It had a closed in fancy porch on the south end. I don't know if they added the porch on or just enclosed it, but it had so many windows and French doors in both the front porch and one of the bedrooms. I always loved playing house or actress with those doors, just happy to open them and close them....like a star taking a bow. Of course that was not allowed if I got caught, too dangerous. I might break a window and get hurt! Whenever we would visit them, Mom would either go to the store to help Grandpa, or would be visiting with Grandma and whichever friends would come over to see us. That or we would go out to some friends of Grandma's or Mom's from when she was growing up. This bored us to no end, so I am sure we were not the best behaved children as we could have been. Who wants to sit and listen to gossip? Not me. I did not care who was dating whom or who was being mean to their wives and families. Or who was getting a divorce. Maybe if I had paid more attention,

I could have been a Gossip columnist? Gee another Dream job missed! This story will have to continue another time. I need lunch and possibly a nap! More later on! Meanwhile, I must take a Bow, and Bow out! Hugs One and All! Applause, Applause! from Katie

Reading to Explore ME

I always have loved books. I am not really sure where this love came from. I do not remember my Parents owning much for books. Nor any of my Grandparents. The Library at School always fascinated me. I even volunteered while in High School. I remember feeling a sense of belonging there. The Librarian was a mother of some of my classmates and was always a "Mom" to all who entered her Schoolroom. I never followed up on that love for some reason. I am really not sure why. Fear again I would imagine. I am still not a fast reader, and sometimes I have to read a passage again to get the full meaning. I enjoy reading about people's real lives...what struggles Life has handed them and how they managed to get through them. I never really liked Fiction until recently. Now it is intriguing me, for it can lead me to places in the World I will never see in person. One Author I really enjoy reading is Richard Paul Evans. His novels are simply written, yet the words flow from his pen so easily. I can become immersed in the world he creates, even becoming the hero or heroine. It has become a great escape for me to read his novels. He puts words on the page the way I would like to do. I have been finding books to read almost by accident recently. I just finished reading the story Johnny Cash wrote in 1997, several years before he and June passed away in 2003. He only lived 4 months after she died in surgery. I also enjoy listening to their music. She was a wonderful person who was able to become a partner and friend to John. His life was as tumultuous as hers became when she married him. They must have had a really big jumbled up Family together. If you want a good simple read, pick up his book. I bought the paperback on a sale rack in Menards one day about a month ago. I could not put it down. It gives a person a bit better feel for what traumas and the passion with which they lived. True, great Rags to Riches tale. Now I want to read more about Roseanne, John Carter, Carleen and all the rest of the Family. It is a true Family story. They just happened to become famous or infamous, depending on how you look at it. They continued to tour up until Health issues side-lined them both in about 1997, the year the book was written. His Faith never faltered, even through the dark days he lived. He found a true Angel and Partner in June. I would imagine they are singing in Heaven these days, to another full house! I wonder if my Mom is there with them? Yet another good feeling to feel. Now I begin to Read Jane Fonda's Memoir called "My Life So Far". She is older than I realized. She is nearly 70. Her Life is sad, interesting, and a true "woman's" story. It shows that even when you are a role model, actress, activist, you still may not know yourself or face yourself in the Mirror very well. She now does, and it is a very interesting read. I am glad I did not wait to buy it at the second hand store. She is inspiring me. She always has. I used to envy her, no longer. She is doing as we all do, the best she can at the time with the knowledge she has earned as she ages gracefully. This is important to me in that it shows how fallible we all are, even when the "cover" is put into place very well. Now she is not afraid to let it all out there. I wonder what book will speak to me next? I have enough of them on my bookshelf to keep me busy for a very long time. Now my goal is to not feel guilty spending the time writing and reading. It is important to my well being that I do so. Now to make others understand that. Remember if and when you do read to take what you read as it is, not as if it were the Bible. Books are just that, one person's opinions of the world and Life. Decide for yourself what will work for you and go forward with that knowledge. Apply what you can to your Life and discard the things that are detrimental to your well being. No Person is Perfect. For now, take care and enjoy Life, too soon it will be over! Hug yourself from me, then hug yourself again, you deserve it! Katie

Individual Love

Why do you suppose it is, we never learn to love ourselves? Is it too pridefull? Selfish. I always hear that word, selfness it should be! For without self love, we are not free to love others. Depend on them, yes. Wait on them, yes. Take care of them, yes. Dote on them, yes. Self-suffering is Bah Humbug! Crap, etc. Taking time to nurture oneself is the best way to love others. I think I was afraid to know who I was. I was my parents child. I was my brothers sister. I was NEVER me. Now I must go back and claim the ME I never became. I was afraid to be her. I still am. With that comes Responsibility. It is a very scarey concept. Plus it takes work. I have always dodged as much work as I possibly could. I should be graded in that, I would make straight A's. As I look back over my Life, I notice that I have always been running. Always looking for something unseen. Trying to be better than I am to please my parents? This too is silly. I need time to just BE! To sit and find me. To write about me. To at last know it is ok to love me. Just as I am now. Not some dumb image that is put out there to "become". For too long, for too many, fitting in is a goal. Blending into that "in" crowd. I gave up on that a long time ago, thus putting myself down and keeping me there indefinitely. I am a people pleaser, yet do not want to be that way, so I stay alone as much as possible. No having to please those whom I have no contact with. I wonder if I have truly ever let the real me be seen? No, I don't believe I have. I was always the Happy person, the girl with the sense of humor. Getting attention for my silliness instead of showing the real me. The vulnerable child I still am and might possibly always be. Humor can cover a LOT of pain, did you know that? Instead of feeling the pain and moving on, I always cover it up...joke my way through it. Draw attention to my funniness. Never really show the inside me....no one knows here, not even me! I am working to change that. I see that my sense of humor comes from both sides of my family. I never really looked at that. I see my Dad cutting jokes now that my Mom is gone. He was always in her shadow and willing to be there. He was the supporting cast, she was the star. Oh, had we just been able to talk about such things. Without her correcting me, trying to make me better, make me into a different person, the "correct" little girl. Without me "feeling" she was doing all this, whether she was or not. What a dis-appointment I must have been when I didn't mold to the current "specifications". Did she truly love me? Was she capable of loving me? She did the best that she could with what she knew. We all do. My hope as a mother was not to screw up my kids any worse than I was screwed up. Did I succeed? Will I ever truly know? I am trying to stop second guessing myself on all of these points. Where did I go wrong? Why have I never felt loved? I guess I learned to equate love with behaving, being good. Yet inside that never felt truly right. I have always been a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Aren't we all? What wonderful things we could all do if we would feel the fear and do it anyway! What makes the difference in those people who do? How do they get beyond the fear? The only job I truly ever wanted to have, was to be a Mother. To give my children the time and attention I felt I never had. I twisted things in my mind so much. I judged my parents when they never judged me. "Things were different then" is what I always hear. From my husband. From me. From all whom I try to talk with about it. Guess we all tend to judge, whether meaning to or not. Now I am on a quest to find out who I am deep inside. Who would I be if all bondage was off? How would I have turned out if I were encouraged to try anything I loved? I know Mom and Dad did the best they could. They paid for an art course I never gave my full out "try" to. They sent me to dance lessons when I know it had to be an expense they really didn't need. I used to love to watch my Dad and Brothers work on their cars and trucks. Maybe there was some interest there other than just trying to get out of the "homemaker" type things. I never wanted to be a wife to a house. I doubt anyone ever has! I like having a clean house just like the next person. I just do not have enough remaining time to give it all for that. I have never had stamina. Now I relate that to my health issues. Maybe I never did because my Heart wouldn't let me. I wish now I had forced myself to become healthier. Been more active. Now I make myself walk and I am actually starting to crave it. I am getting bored with my regular route, so will try to vary it somewhat. I think I may begin going to more fun places to walk. I may even begin to take along some binoculars and study some critters in the wild. Carefully of course. Saw a show the other day about folks getting out of their cars to go take photos close up of Bears! How nuts is that? Anyone should know that those Bears are WILD. They charge when challenged, even with a Camera! I saw the same look in those people's eyes as the women who used to collect Beanies when they knew the amount of them was limited! Crazed looks! I am not alone in my craziness.....let me make that clear! How about walking among the Buffalo in Custer Park? THAT is insane too! Larry did it! I thought for sure I was going to become a widow of a very small little daughter that day, but he made it and was exhilarated having done so. I want to try new things. Then when I do, it always becomes a money issue. Why is that? I wanted to join a Scrapbooking club. It would cost me about $30.00 do do so. I would love to take pictures, to learn the craft. The camera is expensive as is the film! There are other things I would try, then money comes into it. So I stop. Maybe this is yet another excuse to fail? Hummmmmmm, will have to contemplate that idea a bit.(Yet another excuse?) The sun is out today, so I best go get my Shower and move toward moving my body again. I did not have the most successful day yesterday. I ate ice cream and salty foods...and the scale shows it today. I promised I would stay off the scale. I have yet to make it a week without getting on to see where I was. I guess I will never be "normal" in that respect. Nor will I ever enjoy keeping track of what I eat. It makes it too much work for me. So I will remain on the Core eating plan. I am still losing, this is just a glitch week. We all have them. Forgive and go on. Hugs More Later Katie