Individual Love

Why do you suppose it is, we never learn to love ourselves? Is it too pridefull? Selfish. I always hear that word, selfness it should be! For without self love, we are not free to love others. Depend on them, yes. Wait on them, yes. Take care of them, yes. Dote on them, yes. Self-suffering is Bah Humbug! Crap, etc. Taking time to nurture oneself is the best way to love others. I think I was afraid to know who I was. I was my parents child. I was my brothers sister. I was NEVER me. Now I must go back and claim the ME I never became. I was afraid to be her. I still am. With that comes Responsibility. It is a very scarey concept. Plus it takes work. I have always dodged as much work as I possibly could. I should be graded in that, I would make straight A's. As I look back over my Life, I notice that I have always been running. Always looking for something unseen. Trying to be better than I am to please my parents? This too is silly. I need time to just BE! To sit and find me. To write about me. To at last know it is ok to love me. Just as I am now. Not some dumb image that is put out there to "become". For too long, for too many, fitting in is a goal. Blending into that "in" crowd. I gave up on that a long time ago, thus putting myself down and keeping me there indefinitely. I am a people pleaser, yet do not want to be that way, so I stay alone as much as possible. No having to please those whom I have no contact with. I wonder if I have truly ever let the real me be seen? No, I don't believe I have. I was always the Happy person, the girl with the sense of humor. Getting attention for my silliness instead of showing the real me. The vulnerable child I still am and might possibly always be. Humor can cover a LOT of pain, did you know that? Instead of feeling the pain and moving on, I always cover it up...joke my way through it. Draw attention to my funniness. Never really show the inside me....no one knows here, not even me! I am working to change that. I see that my sense of humor comes from both sides of my family. I never really looked at that. I see my Dad cutting jokes now that my Mom is gone. He was always in her shadow and willing to be there. He was the supporting cast, she was the star. Oh, had we just been able to talk about such things. Without her correcting me, trying to make me better, make me into a different person, the "correct" little girl. Without me "feeling" she was doing all this, whether she was or not. What a dis-appointment I must have been when I didn't mold to the current "specifications". Did she truly love me? Was she capable of loving me? She did the best that she could with what she knew. We all do. My hope as a mother was not to screw up my kids any worse than I was screwed up. Did I succeed? Will I ever truly know? I am trying to stop second guessing myself on all of these points. Where did I go wrong? Why have I never felt loved? I guess I learned to equate love with behaving, being good. Yet inside that never felt truly right. I have always been a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Aren't we all? What wonderful things we could all do if we would feel the fear and do it anyway! What makes the difference in those people who do? How do they get beyond the fear? The only job I truly ever wanted to have, was to be a Mother. To give my children the time and attention I felt I never had. I twisted things in my mind so much. I judged my parents when they never judged me. "Things were different then" is what I always hear. From my husband. From me. From all whom I try to talk with about it. Guess we all tend to judge, whether meaning to or not. Now I am on a quest to find out who I am deep inside. Who would I be if all bondage was off? How would I have turned out if I were encouraged to try anything I loved? I know Mom and Dad did the best they could. They paid for an art course I never gave my full out "try" to. They sent me to dance lessons when I know it had to be an expense they really didn't need. I used to love to watch my Dad and Brothers work on their cars and trucks. Maybe there was some interest there other than just trying to get out of the "homemaker" type things. I never wanted to be a wife to a house. I doubt anyone ever has! I like having a clean house just like the next person. I just do not have enough remaining time to give it all for that. I have never had stamina. Now I relate that to my health issues. Maybe I never did because my Heart wouldn't let me. I wish now I had forced myself to become healthier. Been more active. Now I make myself walk and I am actually starting to crave it. I am getting bored with my regular route, so will try to vary it somewhat. I think I may begin going to more fun places to walk. I may even begin to take along some binoculars and study some critters in the wild. Carefully of course. Saw a show the other day about folks getting out of their cars to go take photos close up of Bears! How nuts is that? Anyone should know that those Bears are WILD. They charge when challenged, even with a Camera! I saw the same look in those people's eyes as the women who used to collect Beanies when they knew the amount of them was limited! Crazed looks! I am not alone in my craziness.....let me make that clear! How about walking among the Buffalo in Custer Park? THAT is insane too! Larry did it! I thought for sure I was going to become a widow of a very small little daughter that day, but he made it and was exhilarated having done so. I want to try new things. Then when I do, it always becomes a money issue. Why is that? I wanted to join a Scrapbooking club. It would cost me about $30.00 do do so. I would love to take pictures, to learn the craft. The camera is expensive as is the film! There are other things I would try, then money comes into it. So I stop. Maybe this is yet another excuse to fail? Hummmmmmm, will have to contemplate that idea a bit.(Yet another excuse?) The sun is out today, so I best go get my Shower and move toward moving my body again. I did not have the most successful day yesterday. I ate ice cream and salty foods...and the scale shows it today. I promised I would stay off the scale. I have yet to make it a week without getting on to see where I was. I guess I will never be "normal" in that respect. Nor will I ever enjoy keeping track of what I eat. It makes it too much work for me. So I will remain on the Core eating plan. I am still losing, this is just a glitch week. We all have them. Forgive and go on. Hugs More Later Katie

Time

They say there is a Time and Place for everything, and everything IN it's place. These pages will be the Place for my Time. My History, My stories, My love for myself. It is Time to be Self-Thinking. Self-Forgiving. Time to Love Self. I will also attempt to put things here that I feel are worth loving. These things can be memories, Dreams, What I am feeling today. Honest feelings...Sometimes Raw, Sometimes Fabulous. I have tried to keep my writings in a Positive Frame. This is the one Place where I will allow myself to rant and rave, travel the path to Loving me. I welcome any comments on my writings. Please feel free to Write off the cuff. Put your true feelings here. I welcome them all. I wanted this place to reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings. One place where all can come out. My venting place. It is time. Time to Love and Accept ME! I have always accepted others. Katie

UPDATE

I just read the other day about how mothers and daughters come to the same place in their lives and face the same worries, regrets, and disagreements or mis-interpretations. They called it the mother wound. I am sure there have been many books written on this subject, along with ideas for how to fix this. But, does it really need to be fixed as much as to be understood. The minute the word wound is said, walls go up, tempers sizzle and defenses start. Who really wants to admit that they have any problems or worries? Hell no!

I have always said that I don't have any regrets with how my mom and I got along. That is partially true. We had some talks in the last few years of her life. We talked out a lot of the things we had thought we dis-agreed upon. Come to find out, I was thinking she was telling me how and what I should do in my housekeeping, interest seeking, and parenting skills. Hello? Why do we always make it about "me? I still do this and I hate it, in myself and in others.

I digress. Come to find out when we talked it out, she was in awe of how well I was doing and how much I had grown up. My own insecurities creeped in and I was not able to let that feeling go. That feeling of failure. Dis-appointing her and dad. I did some really stupid stuff and they always forgave me. They always loved me. They needed me later on and I was not able to go and spend more time with them. They would never ask, either. There were always excuses, there always are. Putting off things I don't like to face or do is just one of my many skills!

In those many talks we had, mom told me about how she and her mom had experienced the same exact thing! Plus, her relationship with her mother-in-law was always a bit distant-- for the very same reasons!!! So, you see, this is the mother wound. It continues on and on. What to do about it? TALK. Don't hold it in and let it fester. It hurts no one but you. Learn to not be so sensitive. Let it fall off your shoulders. Just remember. Each and every mother learns as they go. Having kids is not a science. It is the toughest job you will ever have and is also one you cannot quit! Or at least you shouldn't. Believe me some do! I never realized that.

I wanted to be a mom since I was old enough to remember. Not only did I mother my dolls, I took care of any critter nearby. Dolls, pretend people, baby puppys, chicks, kittens, even baby bunnies and mice! I could tell you a story about the mice one, but that will have to be another time. I even went to my friend's house and helped her with her baby colt. Yes, I realize I don't have to use baby in front of the words, but it puts emphasis on it.

My mom was a writer. She went through a few years where she wrote and wrote and wrote. I only wish there were more of her writings left to read again. A lot of them got thrown out when they moved or when she was worried that someone would read her innermost thoughts, espescially the bad ones. (we all have them, even joke about them)Boy, do I know what that is like now! Someday there will be my writings to discover and I only hope that those who read them enjoy them and aren't upset. Yes, I do complain; mostly in my journals. But I will say one thing about that. If I did not have the journals to vent in, I would not be here. I would either be in the nuthouse or dead!

Now I am going to do more reading up on the mother wound. Just knowing the little bit about it that I do now, I know that it is going to help me and I hope my daughters too. Maybe by the time their daughters get grown up, things will be changed. Maybe so. If I can help, I will.

I sm sitting here typing with tears in my eyes. I can barely see the keys or the monitor. Silly, maybe, but I don't think so. It helps me to let go of at least a little bit of those feelings caused by the mother wound. For this time, I end here. Hug someone you love today.

Grandma Katie