Time

They say there is a Time and Place for everything, and everything IN it's place. These pages will be the Place for my Time. My History, My stories, My love for myself. It is Time to be Self-Thinking. Self-Forgiving. Time to Love Self. I will also attempt to put things here that I feel are worth loving. These things can be memories, Dreams, What I am feeling today. Honest feelings...Sometimes Raw, Sometimes Fabulous. I have tried to keep my writings in a Positive Frame. This is the one Place where I will allow myself to rant and rave, travel the path to Loving me. I welcome any comments on my writings. Please feel free to Write off the cuff. Put your true feelings here. I welcome them all. I wanted this place to reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings. One place where all can come out. My venting place. It is time. Time to Love and Accept ME! I have always accepted others. Katie

UPDATE

I just read the other day about how mothers and daughters come to the same place in their lives and face the same worries, regrets, and disagreements or mis-interpretations. They called it the mother wound. I am sure there have been many books written on this subject, along with ideas for how to fix this. But, does it really need to be fixed as much as to be understood. The minute the word wound is said, walls go up, tempers sizzle and defenses start. Who really wants to admit that they have any problems or worries? Hell no!

I have always said that I don't have any regrets with how my mom and I got along. That is partially true. We had some talks in the last few years of her life. We talked out a lot of the things we had thought we dis-agreed upon. Come to find out, I was thinking she was telling me how and what I should do in my housekeeping, interest seeking, and parenting skills. Hello? Why do we always make it about "me? I still do this and I hate it, in myself and in others.

I digress. Come to find out when we talked it out, she was in awe of how well I was doing and how much I had grown up. My own insecurities creeped in and I was not able to let that feeling go. That feeling of failure. Dis-appointing her and dad. I did some really stupid stuff and they always forgave me. They always loved me. They needed me later on and I was not able to go and spend more time with them. They would never ask, either. There were always excuses, there always are. Putting off things I don't like to face or do is just one of my many skills!

In those many talks we had, mom told me about how she and her mom had experienced the same exact thing! Plus, her relationship with her mother-in-law was always a bit distant-- for the very same reasons!!! So, you see, this is the mother wound. It continues on and on. What to do about it? TALK. Don't hold it in and let it fester. It hurts no one but you. Learn to not be so sensitive. Let it fall off your shoulders. Just remember. Each and every mother learns as they go. Having kids is not a science. It is the toughest job you will ever have and is also one you cannot quit! Or at least you shouldn't. Believe me some do! I never realized that.

I wanted to be a mom since I was old enough to remember. Not only did I mother my dolls, I took care of any critter nearby. Dolls, pretend people, baby puppys, chicks, kittens, even baby bunnies and mice! I could tell you a story about the mice one, but that will have to be another time. I even went to my friend's house and helped her with her baby colt. Yes, I realize I don't have to use baby in front of the words, but it puts emphasis on it.

My mom was a writer. She went through a few years where she wrote and wrote and wrote. I only wish there were more of her writings left to read again. A lot of them got thrown out when they moved or when she was worried that someone would read her innermost thoughts, espescially the bad ones. (we all have them, even joke about them)Boy, do I know what that is like now! Someday there will be my writings to discover and I only hope that those who read them enjoy them and aren't upset. Yes, I do complain; mostly in my journals. But I will say one thing about that. If I did not have the journals to vent in, I would not be here. I would either be in the nuthouse or dead!

Now I am going to do more reading up on the mother wound. Just knowing the little bit about it that I do now, I know that it is going to help me and I hope my daughters too. Maybe by the time their daughters get grown up, things will be changed. Maybe so. If I can help, I will.

I sm sitting here typing with tears in my eyes. I can barely see the keys or the monitor. Silly, maybe, but I don't think so. It helps me to let go of at least a little bit of those feelings caused by the mother wound. For this time, I end here. Hug someone you love today.

Grandma Katie